Darla Drake, a.k.a. the Duchess of Death, was both majestic and frightening. Her innate beauty would not make her look out of place sitting atop a gilded throne; her innate monstrosity would not make her look out of place sitting atop a pile of bones. 

Also known as the Duchess of Dismemberment, Darla had been terrorizing the counselors of Camp Clear Creek for 20 years and was a living legend. Up until recently she loved being a monster and being feared by humans. Stories had been written about her (mostly fan fiction) and there was even a Netflix movie. “Everybody in the world knew who Darla Drake was,” said Gretl the Gobbler, “But did she know who she was?”

That was the big existential question Darla was struggling with. Doing unspeakable things to unsavory people no longer fulfilled her. She was in a funk. “I just want something else,” said the mopey monster, “I want something more.” Like Peggy Lee, she wondered “is that all there is?”

Darla wasn’t getting any sympathy from her family and friends. “You want something else?” asked her mother incredulously. “We’re monsters, for goodness sakes. We scare. We stalk. We hunt.” Her best friend Gretl agreed. “Keep doing what you’re meant to do—make crusty teenagers pee themselves before tearing off their limbs.”

After two decades of jump scares, life had become routine for the Duchess of Death. Maybe she needed a distraction? Or maybe a new challenge? She got both when Jarko Murkvale (great name btw) came to her hometown.  

Jarko was some sort of octopus-human creature looking for a new place to call home. Monsters were generally territorial, and Darla wasn’t happy when she saw the interloper terrorizing kids at a nearby sleepaway camp. Worst of all, she was kind of blinded by the octopus guy’s charisma. Said author Jason Pinter: “Darla hated herself for even thinking it, but Jarko was … kind of hot?”

As it turned out, Jarko thought Darla was kind of hot too. Instead of getting into a big monster fight, the rivals fell into a big-hearted monster romance. Their unlikely love affair was funny too. Really funny. I didn’t generate an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of all the laughs, but I think there was at least one joke on every page.

The pair’s relationship was a little rocky at first—they were two different monsters with two different ways of frightening people. Said Darla to her new boyfriend: “I have my methods and you have yours. My methods are like a knife’s edge, delicate and refined. Yours are like a bunch of tentacles flailing around like an octopus caught in a blender.”

Despite their differences, however, the two lovebirds eventually found a way to coexist. Jarko helped Darla resolve her lingering identity crisis, and as a couple they became infamous as the Duchess and Duke of Death. It was a monster match made in Hell. 

[ Dating & Dismemberment / By Jason Pinter writing as A.L. Brody / First Printing: June 2023 / ISBN: 9798988386902 ]