Satan’s Anus was a tricky route through some very tall and very rugged mountains in the Pacific Northwest. Treacherous to navigate, the passageway was nonetheless used by cartels to move illegal drugs from one distribution outpost to another. 

It was also a place where huge and dangerous cryptids lived. These eight-foot-tall monsters were notorious for pillaging isolated villages, killing pets, abducting children and raping men and women. “Few who ventured into Satan’s Anus ever returned,” said author J. Rocky Colavito, “and those who did were struck mad by the experience.” 

One night, a small plane carrying a big payload of heroin sputtered while passing through the passageway. The plane and its passengers crashed and burned. The illegal cargo, on the other hand, tumbled safely to the bottom of the gaping crevasse. 

The incident caught the attention of the local drug cartel and the Drug Enforcement Administration. Each organization dispatched paramilitary personnel to the area to assess the situation. It wasn’t a rescue mission, though. It was a recovery mission. Or rather, according to the lead DEA agent on the case, “It was a goosefuck of a mission.” 

The cartel goons and government agents arrived at the crash site simultaneously. Waiting for them was a raging sasquatch taller than two men and stronger than ten. He had ingested several doses of high-end smack and was alert, cognizant and hornier than hell. The recovery mission had suddenly turned into a suicide mission. 

In addition, six freewheelin’ coeds were having an orgy in a nearby cabin. These over-sexed kids would unwillingly play a big part in the third and final act of Colavito’s sleazy and violent novel. 

There was, in fact, a lot of sex and violence in SmackSquatch, but I wouldn’t call the sex erotic. There was nothing titillating about it. For example, here’s what happened the first time readers caught a glimpse of the sasquatch in action: “The beast picked up the dead body and raped it with his engorged penis, easily the size of a mature daikon radish. The corpse hung on his penis like a pig on a skewer. He then slid the husk back and forth, squeezing gore out of the ruptured carcass like toothpaste from a tube. He savaged the body until it fell apart.”

Things only got worst from there. A few pages later, the woodland monster approached one of the obligatory female characters. “The creature’s eyes were red with lust and she could see his penis rising. He rammed it into her mouth, shattering her front teeth. It tore open her epiglottis, and the spasms shattered her nasal cavity. The flood of semen cascaded into her lungs, drowning her.”

It’s hard to feel sorry for any of the characters, however. All of them (except two) were disposable. The DEA agents, the college kids and the cartel mercenaries all died in some horrible way. The slaughter even continued into the denouement. It was never-ending. 

[ SmackSquatch / By J. Rocky Colavito / First Printing: October 2024 / ISBN: 9798340845023 ]