After 600 years of sleep, Coont Draculi emerged from his casket hungry and horny. No longer in his homeland of Romania, the vampire found himself ensconced in a mansion built at the foot of British Columbia’s coastal mountains. It was a strange new world he found himself in. 

“Igor,” he immediately said to his faithful slave, “bringeth the blood of a virgin maiden. I needeth thine nectar. Bathe shalt I in their blood as they surrender to mine desires.”

Unfortunately for the newly arisen monster from the 15th century, privy chambers had changed over the years. “Thou cannot bathe in maiden’s blood now, Master,” replied the slave. “The manse we live in only has a shower.”

Assembling a harem of succulent maidens was also going to be a problem for the Coont. It wasn’t like the good ol’ days in Transylvania when there were queens and princesses aplenty who were accessible to his charms.

The Coont settled on a single woman named Josephine, known locally as the blowjob queen of Vancouver. She was a druggie with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, but the horny bloodsucker was soon hooked on her opioid and psychoactive gifts. “Sinking his teeth into her neck, the vampire groaned with pleasure as he felt the crack cocaine, heroin and everything else Josephine had pushed through her system that day began to flow through his veins.”

Obviously, The Disciples of Coont Draculi isn’t your standard vampire story. Not only has author Paul Slatter written a spoof of Bram Stoker’s iconic monster novel, but he’s also written a blunt commentary on the worst traits of humanity. Overall, it’s funny and miserable at the same time. 

The Coont was supercilious and grand and looked like some kind of ridiculous street mime. At first, Josephine thought he was just an idiot from a local community theatrics club. Only later did she realize that he was a relic of the forgotten past. 

As entertaining as the Coont could be at times, the real hero of Slatter’s novel was Igor, the former medieval warrior with scars all over his body. He’d been granted immortality 600 years ago in exchange for servitude to the undying vampire. There was one catch, however; Igor would only live as long as the vampire lived. It was imperative that he kept his master safe. 

Over the years, Igor turned a blind eye to his master’s unholy perversions and had reinvented himself as a cultured gentleman. He was a violinist who played music composed for him by Antonio Vivaldi. On his walls hung original paintings by Claude Monet, Paul Cézanne and others. And even though he was duty-bound to protect Coont Draculi, he was a relentless demon hunter who tried to rid the world of evil. 

But Igor was a phony. He didn’t deserve the gift of immortality. Deep down he knew that he should’ve killed Coont Draculi the first chance he got. “How long do you need to live?” asked a character late in the novel. “What gives you the right to eternal life when this bloodthirsty vampire has cut short so many?” 

[ The Disciples of Coont Draculi / By Paul Slatter / First Printing: October 2024 / ISBN: 9798861653817 ]